The Lokar Forum
by Archaeosine
Summary: Lokar gets his own talk show with the hopes of trumping Space Ghost. Unfortunately for the locust, the first episode doesn't quite turn out the way he planned.


Space Ghost, like any self-respecting superhero, has many enemies. Of all his foes, perhaps the one who has the greatest animosity towards Space Ghost is the giant locust, Lokar. Sure, Lokar has always been overly dramatic and even a bit catty, but he feels in his heart that he is the one who should have gotten his own talk show. After all, a cultured, intellectual locust such as himself is the model of a perfect host. Lokar has always wanted a chance to dominate the Nielsen ratings, and he's finally getting that opportunity…

* * *

(Lokar is standing behind a podium at the press conference he is holding. Several journalists are in attendance.)

Lokar: Good evening, and thank you all for coming. I'd like to start this conference by fielding any initial questions you may have.

Journalist #1: What do you have to say about the rumors regarding the vacation you took with that suspiciously close male locust "friend" of yours? You know, the vacation where you and him spent a week together at your summer home?

Lokar: The intimate details of my personal life are not for the entire world to know! I must kindly ask that you respect my privacy!

Journalist #1: If what I've heard is true, you certainly didn't have any objections when your friend…

Lokar: Utter one more word, you insolent cretin, and I guarantee that you shall regret it!

Journalist #1: …was…

(Lokar pulls out a ray gun from underneath his podium and zaps the journalist.)

Lokar: Moving right along…I would like to request that all future questions pertain to the subject.

Journalist #2: What **is** the subject? You haven't even told us what this press conference is about yet!

Lokar: Oh…how daft of me. Terribly sorry. Let me start from the beginning. (Clears his throat) For too long the inept Space Ghost has ruled the airwaves, along with the lava man and that repugnant mantis. But that, my fr-r-r-r-riends, is all about to change. The good people at Bravo have given me my own talk show. I shall dub it _The Lokar Forum._ I assure you, it **will** become the ultimate in late-night television! Space Ghost will soon be unemployed and groveling at my feet, begging for a job on my hit show! But will I hire him? No! I'll laugh as I see him living out on the street, performing tricks with his power bands for small change like a common pauper! The downfall of Tad Ghostal will be a most delicious sight! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ahem…I apologize for that little tangent. Getting back on track, you can catch the premier of _The Lokar Forum_ tonight, when it airs live at 11:00 pm.

Journalist #3: But…that's when Space Ghost is on.

Lokar: I'm well aware of that, my fine friend. I purposely scheduled my show to be on the same timeslot as his. I'm confident that, by catering to the intellectual needs of my viewers, I will easily tr-r-r-r-rounce Space Ghost in the ratings!

Journalist #4: Do you realize that it's 10:54 pm right now?

Lokar: I know, and alas, it is time for me to take my leave. I simply cannot afford to be late, as this will be a live telecast. The show can't go on without the star, you know. And with that, I must bid you adieu.

(Lokar walks offstage and makes his way to the studio. Several minutes later, viewers throughout the universe tune in to see the debut of _The Lokar Forum_. The title sequence shows a montage of European palaces set to "Bolero" by Ravel. The name of the show is superimposed in an elegant cursive font. The sequence ends and cuts to a darkened desk with a silhouetted figure sitting at it. The lights brighten, revealing the figure to be Lokar.)

Lokar: Salutations to all, and welcome to _The Lokar Forum_. I am Lokar, the eponymous host. I sincerely thank you for tuning in to see the first of what is sure to be many episodes of my show. Being a bona-fide Renaissance man, I will be providing the music for this program in addition to regaling you with my hosting abilities. (Plays a chord on the organ, which is to the right of his desk) But I am only one locust! As skilled as I may be, I cannot run this show alone. Allow me to introduce my directors, Tansut and Metallus.

(Cut to Tansut and Metallus standing at the control panel.)

Tansut: (waving) Hello, folks!

Metallus: (unintelligible echoing drone)

Lokar: Some of you may have heard about me from…ugh…Space Ghost. You may even watch his pitiful excuse for a show on a regular basis. But I have with me the pinnacle of modern technology, and it will make _The Lokar Forum_ far more intriguing than that washed-up hack's program can ever hope to be. Thanks to the SpiritCatcher 3000™ here, we can communicate with the souls of the deceased! Legendary historical figures shall be our guests. I'd like to see Space Ghost try this!

(Lokar points to a futuristic-looking monitor to the left of his desk. The monitor turns on. The ghostly image of a composer is on the screen.)

Lokar: Presenting the first guest, the late Johann Sebastian Bach! Welcome to the show, Herr Kapellmeister.

Bach: Danke schön, Lokar. It's been quite a vhile zince my last public appearance, ja?

Lokar: Indeed. You know, of all your brilliant compositions, your organ fugues have always been my favorite. Since I provide the music on this show, it only seems fitting that I entertain you with one of your melodies.

(Lokar starts to play "Fugue in C minor" on the organ, but he stops when he notices the frown on Bach's face.)

Lokar: Is there a problem, my good man?

Bach: Vell, ven I hear my music played by someone else, I like ze quality of ze playing to meet a certain standard. But…

Lokar: Just what are you implying? That my musical skills are lacking?

Bach: In a vord…ja.

Lokar: Hmph! Well, if that's how it's going to be…(turns off monitor) Auf wiedersehen, Johann!

Tansut: Hee hee! Bach burned you on your own show!

Lokar: Shut it, lard bucket!

Tansut: Sorry.

Lokar: Our next guest is the late Queen of France, Marie Antoinette.

(The monitor turns on to reveal the ghost of a headless woman. She is articulating with her hands as if talking, but no sound can be heard.)

Lokar: Confound it! I can understand her physical body being decapitated, but her spirit body as well?

(Lokar sighs and shakes his head.)

Lokar: I think it's time for a commercial break. Hopefully, our next guest will be a bit more intact than poor Marie here.

(Cut to commercials. Cut back to the studio when the commercials finish. Lokar is drumming his fingers on his desk, Metallus is standing completely inert, and Tansut is reclining against a wall. None of them seem to be aware that the show has returned.)

Tansut: Why do you hate Space Ghost so much, anyway?

Lokar: Hmm…our sordid feud has a lengthy and convoluted history. It all began back in 1966. Space Ghost's action show was a big sensation, and it became common for the notables of the day to make guest appearances on the show. I was a prominent author by that point, and I was asked if I wanted to guest star as the villain on the "King of the Killer Locusts" episode. I'm not one to turn down a television appearance, so I naturally agreed. Unfortunately, my enthusiasm towards the endeavor turned out to be short lived. Space Ghost may have played the role of benevolent superhero, but that man transmogrified into a cantankerous tyrant the moment the cameras stopped rolling! You should have heard the way he bellowed at his everyone in his sight, his voice at an ungodly decibel level. He fancied himself to be showbiz's greatest asset, and he regarded his co-workers as nobodies who were unworthy of the so-called honor of working with him. I was subjected to Space Ghost's derision throughout the entire time we were making the episode. By the time we concluded filming, I felt as though I were ready to murder him for real! Zorak wasn't any better, mind you. He informed me, on multiple occasions, that he considered locusts to be nothing more than "mantis wannabes." Well, that's nothing more than speciesism, if you ask me. Anyway, I wasn't about to let Space Ghost get away with his reprehensible behavior. I wrote an article recounting the tribulations I experienced on the show, and I exposed Mr. Ghostal for the boorish Philistine he is. Once it hit the press, my exposé created a swarm of negative publicity for that faux-hero, and his show got cancelled! I was quite pleased. Space Ghost, on the other hand, was none too happy with what I had done, and he devised a plan to get back at me. Apparently, he had a good deal of money saved up from his acting career. He used it to hire an investigator to obtain compromising information about my private life, which he intended on making public. I learned this in the most unusual way. I had just completed my novel, _Integral Locust_, after spending months writing it day and night, and I was relishing my nascent abundance of free time. I was enjoying a lovely night with my, ah…companion when I noticed somebody sneaking around outside my window. With an antique truncheon in hand, I went outside, snuck up on the snooper, and gave him a thorough clobbering! He had a camera on him. That investigator had been documenting my life on the orders of Space Ghost, who doubtless intended on selling the photos to the tabloids. Luckily, I was able to destroy the film; if you think something like that would be bad for a career now, you have no idea what it was like back then. Mind you, I suspect that most people had pretty much figured it out on their own. I mean, honestly, my catchphrase is "Kiss kiss, lover!" Even if those photos had reached the light of day, I somehow doubt that they would have been much of a surprise to anyone. Anyway, by that point, it became apparent to me that I was embroiled in a bitter state of belligerency with Space Ghost, and we weren't going to settle our differences in the foreseeable future. I began plotting my next act of revenge. First, I was able to formulate a…

(Lokar turns his head and notices that the "On Air" light is on.)

Lokar: AHHHHHHH! What the hell is wrong with you two simpletons? I've been divulging my bloody life story for the last five minutes and you're unable to carry out the simple task of reminding me that we're back on the air! You bloody idiots! I swear I'll…

(Lokar takes a deep breath and calms down.)

Lokar: I do apologize. In the future, perhaps I should take greater care to avoid hiring inept halfwits as directors.

(Lokar glares at Tansut and Metallus. Tansut looks away and makes a whimpering noise, and Metallus continues to stand still.)

Lokar: I am truly honored to have the next guest on the show. Please welcome the late, great William Shakespeare!

(The monitor turns on, with the ghost of Shakespeare on the screen.)

Lokar: My dear William, you are truly one of my personal heroes! Lord knows how many hours of my life have been spent watching and, as I have been known to dabble in the wonderful world of theatre, performing your lovely plays. _Macbeth_ is, in my humble opinion, your crowing achievement. I do so enjoy your brilliant usage of the three witches as a representation of Macbeth's conscience.

Shakespeare: What travesty is this? The witches three were most certainly not supposed to represent the conscience of Macbeth. Thy words cannot be more sland'rous! Such insults! They strike me like daggers, aimed at the gut! I shall take my leave of thee, vile beast!

(The monitor turns off.)

Lokar: Oh dear. This episode is not progressing as well as I would have hoped. Well, mustn't let that slow me down. Let's move along, shall we? The phone lines are open and you, the viewers, have the opportunity to call in and discuss your opinions. Let's go to the first caller.

Caller #1: Hello, my sweet Lokar! It's Steven.

Lokar: Oh goodness me…hello, darling.

Caller #1: I have some great news! I made the reservations for that vacation in the Alps we've always been talking about! I can picture it now: skiing, sightseeing…plus, we'll have plenty of time to ourselves in our hotel room! Oh Lokar, it will be a spectacular trip! I must admit, though, it will be hard to break that record we set during our incredible week at your summer home. You practically shattered every window in the house with that high-pitched moaning you make during…

(Lokar laughs nervously and presses a button on his desk to disconnect the call.)

Lokar: You know I love to hear from you, Steven, but this isn't exactly the best time for us to have a conversation! Time for the next caller!

Caller #2: Hey, I have a question for you, Lokar. Do you think that the main reason for the changing style of modern art is due to the elimination of traditional social boundaries, or is it because YOU SUCK! WOOOOO! (click)

Lokar: Imbecile! I have no patience for such tomfoolery. Next caller! Would you be so kind as to indulge us with your name?

Caller #3: Hi my name is Braaaaaaaaaak!

Lokar: Bloody hell! How did he get through? Metallus, I told you to accept no calls from that legume-loving freak!

Metallus: (unintelligible echoing drone)

Lokar: (Sigh)…What do you want, Brak?

Caller #3: I'm calling from Space Ghost's show! He's giving me a can of beans for each time I call you. He knows my weakness! I can't resist! I'm a slave to beaaaaaaaans!

Lokar: Good Lord! That Space Fool is using Brak to sabotage me! Well, I'm not going to let him succeed. Quickly, block all calls originating from Space Ghost's studio! Do it now! NOW!

(Tansut is nervously fiddling at the control panel.)

Tansut: I'm trying, I'm trying! Stop yelling at me! I don't work well under pressure!

(The lights go out. The only sources of illumination in the studio are a few faint backup lights.)

Tansut: Whoops! I think I pressed the wrong button. Please don't get mad.

Lokar: The first episode is a horrendous failure! (Starting to cry) My show is ruined…utterly, utterly, r-r-r-r-ruined! (Sobbing) WAAAAAAAAH!

(Tansut hangs his head low and slowly shuffles away. Metallus, noticing the distress Lokar is in, walks up to him and offers some profound words of consolation.)

Metallus: (unintelligible echoing drone)

(Metallus walks offstage.)

Lokar: (regaining his composure) Oh, you may have won this round, Space Ghost, but don't think I will forget about this! Mark my words, vengeance will be mine someday!

(The ringing of a cell phone is heard from inside the desk. Lokar takes his phone out and answers the call.)

Lokar: Hello?

Caller: Mr. Loktor, I'm calling to let you know that you can save up to .01 percent on your...

Lokar: It's Lokar! LO-KAR! I will not have you butchering my name! How did you get this number, anyway? Bloody telemarketers. Good riddance!

(Lokar hangs up, but the phone rings again almost immediately. He answers the new call.)

Lokar: Whatever you're trying to peddle, I'm not interested!

Caller: Whoa Lokar, no need to be such a meanie! It's just me, Brak! Space Ghost hired an investigator guy to find out your cell phone number. He told the number to something called a "telemarketing company," whatever that is, and then he told it to me. That was really nice of him, 'cause now I can call you whenever I want! Yay!

Lokar: NOOOO! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE, SPACE GHOST! I…WILL…HAVE…MY…R-R-R-R-REVENGE!

-The End-


End file.
